Junior High Life Lessons
In one of my classes in junior high we did an exercise where we ranked the things most important or valuable to us from a list. From what I remember, the list included family, friends, freedom, religion, money, power, your health, being loved, and being understood. I don’t remember how I ranked the list, but I do remember one of my classmates ranking religion as number one and declaring that if you don’t have religion you are screwed for the rest. Even though I don’t remember my preferences then, I still think about them today. For example, when I am sick, I think that I would value my health about all because it is hard to enjoy like when I am sick and thus I am “screwed for the rest.”
One preference that I have constantly thought about is if it is more important to be loved or to be understood. There are definitely kinds of love that are unconditional and it doesn’t matter if whomever loves you understands you or not. I may not understand my family but I still love them. But outside of family, I find it weird that you would love someone without understanding them. I have never been in love, but I have had someone tell me they loved me. This doesn’t make sense to me because I feel like this person doesn’t understand me at all, so how could he say he loves me? I think that I want my future spouse to be someone who understand me and who I understand. So in terms of marriage, it is more important for me to be understood. But, you generally don’t marry someone unless you love them. I mean, my best friend understands me and I’m not marrying her. And anyone who understand me also knows that I need to feel loved and love back. Therefore, it is like a catch-22 and I don’t think I will ever be able to decide what is more important to me.
Despite the fact that I wish to be understood, I sometimes get angry when people do try to figure me out or label me. I feel that there is a lot to me and anyone who labels me is probably only seeing one aspect of the whole picture. Steve said that I am Apollonian: logical, unemotional, rational, and cold. And on some days, he is probably right. But it really bothers me that he says I am cold, because I don’t think I’m cold at all. I’m just a strong women and if I come across as cold, you probably deserve it. Steve, for example, knows exactly how to push my buttons. Of course I’m going to come across as cold to him sometimes.
I just don’t’ understand how I can want to be understood and then get angry when people try to understand me. I guess it just boils down to not wanting people to misjudge me, or to judge me for that matter.
Funny how a class assignment in junior high can still haunt me today.
4 Comments:
Also, and this is really going to piss you off, to a large extent you can't control what others think of you. I'm not necessarily talking about your friends, but people you are aquainted with or know in a cursory sesnse. You can attempt to set the record straight, or tell them how they SHOULD think about you, but that only goes so far. Generally if I think person X is a bastard, that's a conclusion I've come to adopt and am happy to hold. That doesn't make me stubborn or unable to change my mind later, but all things equal there's probably a pretty good reason I think he (or she) is a bastard. That said, I don't think you're a bastard. =)
People make labels for lots of different reasons. Some simply to organize people in their minds, others to disparage. You prop up understanding over love (at least that is the implication) and then wonder why some think you're cold? I would think the reason behind the cold label would be evident. But maybe our society puts too much into unrequited or fairy tale love anyway.
I think you're exactly right that if you don't understand your better half, then love becomes a disconnected, even errant, emotion. But you're fighting an unwinnable battle if you think you won't get angry when people try to understand you, and then come to a conclusion you don't exactly prefer.
But as has been said, nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.
Maybe you're just unique and special deep down inside. How's that for a label?
Wow Russ, you are the closest thing to a therapist I have. I love internet therapy. It is a great solution for the cheap and lazy.
I couldn't agree more. But wait a minute, who are you calling cheap and lazy?!?
I am, of course. I'm using my blog as a means for psychoanalyzation in a family full of shrinks. or at least, they think they are shrinks.
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